Martin Njaga explores the absurdities that come with smartphones these days.

Modern smartphones are absurd. Really, they are. Do not let the smartphone manufacturers fool you that they run extensive tests on the gadgets. That’s just nonsense. The phones work because over time, these companies have conditioned us to accept their absurdity, to the point where it seems normal. If you don’t believe me, introduce someone who has never used a smartphone to one and they will point out a whole range of crazy things.

I recently had the opportunity to help an old lady purchase a smartphone. Sleek, beautiful, and android powered, the phone was as high end as they come. Very soon, she pointed out to me the first absurdity. Why are the volume buttons placed precisely where your fingers would be if you were making a call? Makes very little sense, especially because turning your volume on and off is not something most people do. In fact, the only people who keep turning their volumes up and down for no good reason are surly and hormonal teenagers. There is no real reason why the volume buttons cannot be elsewhere but since the dudes who make these phones probably never hold their phones when making calls, they don’t realize how annoying it is to have the guy on the other keep fading away mid-conversation.

   

The other annoying peeve about modern smartphones is that it is increasingly fashionable for manufacturers to load your phone with nonsense apps. Think about how absurd this is in any other context. It is like buying a car that comes with two guys called Brayo and Pato; who sit in the backseat permanently and talk incessantly about Tanga Tanga and BBI. Eventually, you would be so frustrated you would probably drive the car to the middle of the Tsavo and set it on fire. But phone manufacturers can do this and we are ok with it. One of the silliest things they put on this elderly lady’s phone is a compass app. Think about it. A compass! On what basis would someone use a compass? If you are stuck in Kayole, lost and confused, an app that points you north will be as useful to you as a windsock.

The dropdown menu is nuts as well. Designed to make it easy to change audio settings and what not, in reality, it just adds to the confusion. When someone is talking on the phone, the ear tends to trigger the drop-down menu, and then the same ear goes on a menu-pressing spree. The end result is that by the time your call is done, your phone has activated dark mode, is now landscape-oriented and playing some video your annoying friend sent to you weeks ago. Just like the volume buttons, there is no earthly reason why these controls are placed there. Nobody changes their phone orientation every now and then but the clever guys who make these things seem to think we do.

It would seem to me that if the phone companies keep insisting on placing useless apps in our phones, they should include one that kills all these unnecessary commands.

A phone used to be a device that makes calls and sends messages.

Let us create an app that turns the chaotic, beeping mess in your hand back to what it was supposed to be.